For satisfying solitude and closeness with others, recognize, develop and validate different kinds of intimacy.
My daughter, Clare with her husband, Pasha
When I mention intimacy, most of us think of only two kinds – emotional and sexual. Emotional intimacy is wonderful! When we can truly be ourselves with another, and they can be their true open selves with us, the experience can be healing and satisfying.
However, it is often not easy to have true emotional intimacy with our partners or even our friends. Letting out all our feelings can even be a terrible idea that destroys relationships.
Many couples are afraid to be honest with each other for good reason. The more your life becomes entwined with another, the harder it can be to be honest. As time goes by, you have more to lose by being completely open. Even though it might be wiser to be careful with what you share, you might also feel cheated and is you are missing out.
Similarly, sexual intimacy can be a giddy and deeply pleasurable experience. True sexual closeness can be both exciting and soulful. It’s no wonder we are a culture obsessed with sex.
Just like emotional intimacy, physical intimacy can be almost impossible to sustain over time. When we bare our souls or our bodies, we unleash forces from the past, present and future. This kind of closeness is complicated by early childhood trauma, deeply held beliefs and habits that can be resistant to any kind of change.
Couples who no longer enjoy sexual intimacy often feel ashamed and angry. They torture themselves with feelings of inadequacy as they hide what feels to them like a shameful secret. Please let me assure you that many couples rarely or even never have sex. I often wonder if the basic premise that married couples should be having regular sex throughout their lives is flawed in and of itself.
Regardless, when we become fixated on only these two kinds of intimacy, it’s tempting to see our relationships as failures. This is dangerous and also a lie. There are many kinds of intimacy that are just as valid and nourishing as emotional and sexual intimacy. Having value for only emotional and sexual intimacy is like saying the only fruit are apples and bananas. Just as we would never want to give up strawberries, pineapple, oranges and raspberries, we can also enjoy the sweetness of all kinds of intimacy.
The first step to intimacy is to be intimate with ourselves. I’m not talking about self-pleasuring; I am talking about knowing and accepting ourselves. Often, the person we are most lonely for is our own true selves. When we don’t know who we are, we feel uncomfortable with our own company. It’s difficult for others to know us if we don’t even know ourselves. When people get in touch with themselves, they often find they are no longer lonely even when they are alone.
How can you get to know yourself better? Journaling, music, quiet reflection, personality tests (Myers Briggs), therapy, self-help books, Ted talks, workshops, retreats, honest conversation.
Then be open to many kinds of intimacy. For example, a newlywed woman comes into session and tells me this story. After work at night, her husband doesn’t want to share heartfelt conversations. In fact, her new husband doesn’t really want to talk to her at all when they both get home at the end of a long day.
She says to him, “Why am I even here if you don’t want to talk to me? Why did you even want to marry me?”
He says, “Don’t you know how much I love just sitting in the same room with you? Being with you makes me very happy.” After that, my client sits contentedly with her husband at night, knowing that she is treasured and valued.
Intellectual intimacy is another way to be close. Clare and Pasha met in anatomy class. They fell in love studying together. Two nerds obsessed with biology, they created their own flash card game. Their special magic is the way they connect intellectually. No other man ever appealed to my daughter quite as much as Pasha because of their intellectual connection. The picture at the start of this article shows them at their first Halloween, dressed as elements of the periodic table. Clare is silver, Pasha is gold.
The intimacy parents enjoy with their children, and as parents loving the same child, is another way to be close.
Or maybe you appreciate spiritual intimacy with your partner. Sharing spiritual beliefs can connect you, body and soul.
Sensual intimacy where two people enjoy affectionate touching and cuddling is another wonderful form of intimacy. I like the book, “Naked at Any Age” by Joan Price. Ms. Price explains age and sexuality. She encourages touch that the oldest among us can savor.
If you and your partner are both passionate about the same activity, your shared interest can satisfy and nourish you and your relationship.
Our pets give us unconditional love and acceptance along with cuddles and eye contact. After my fiance Dan died, my two kitties Cleo and Libby were a great comfort. I don’t know how I would have managed without their love to ease my loneliness.
Preparing meals together and breaking bread is another way of fostering intimacy with someone you love.
These are just a few examples. There are likely many more ways to encourage feelings of intimacy between you and those you love.
Don’t think that only emotional and sexual intimacy matter. Enjoy the richness of many kinds of intimacy. You may find you can become happily satisfied with the intimacy you already have. When you appreciate the intimacy in your life today, other kinds of intimacy may develop.
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